SCENE ONE

(A souvenir shop. Afternoon. MICHAEL, CEDRIC and ELLEN. Separately, VALERIE sitting in a car.)

This kid told me about it in like second grade--

You got any of those dashboard things--

I don't even know if it's real or not--

Those little ladies with the titties that light up?

No, we certainly do not.

It's like this chair--

How about those tumblers, you know--

And it's set up in front of this gun--

You put ice in and the lady's clothes disappear.

What kind of shop do you think this is?

This chair and this gun, you see--

A souvenir shop.

And the gun's hooked up to a machine--

What you are looking for are not souvenirs.

Sure they are, if they say, "Hi from Cedar Rapids."

I'm sorry. It's something you heard about in second grade.

Yeah. It's a chair, like out west somewhere, and there's this gun set up in front of it, and the gun's set to go off sometime between now and the year 2000, but nobody knows when exactly. And people pay money to sit in this chair.

Whatever for?

I dunno. It's like Russian Roulette, maybe.

You're tempting fate.

Yeah. Something like that.

Well, I've never heard of such a thing.

Sounds like the Potato Creek Chair of Death.

You've heard of it?

Been reading this travel guide, about the hundred weirdest tourist traps in America. I decided I wanted to see them all since I won the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

You won that sweepstakes?

That's right. Quit my job, sold my house, and now I'm traveling around the country with my Mama. Want her to see all these weird things before she dies. Been to about twelve or--

I'm looking for that thing, the Potato... whatever, Chair--

In a place called Potato Creek, South Dakota. Or maybe North Dakota. Can't remember--

Do you sell maps here?

If I can find them. My husband would know, but he left the other day. The bastard ran off with another woman. Girl, really. She's eighteen years old. Maybe nineteen. The ironic thing is that eight years ago he ran off from his first wife to marry me. We met at the University of Nebraska. I was a grad student looking after the rats in the psychology lab--

Could I have that map?

Let me check the back room.

(ELLEN exits. MICHAEL goes to the window and looks out. He sees VALERIE. VALERIE senses MICHAEL's gaze. She turns and sees him. They regard each other for a moment.)

Is that your mother out there in the car?

Why do you want to know?

No reason.

(Beat)

That your car?

Yeah.

Piece a junk.

(ELLEN returns.)

He was on the grounds crew. I walked by him one morning while he was raking leaves. He smiled and said hi. I started telling him how I felt trapped, like the rats in the lab--

Could you--

Don't worry. I haven't forgotten.

(ELLEN exits.)

You from Ohio, then?

How'd you know?

Your plates. Boy are you jumpy. What are you doing in Iowa all by yourself? Run away from home?

Never mind.

All right.

(Beat)

Look at that. Iowa state patrol car pulling into the parking lot.

Haven't you found that map yet?

I'm looking!

He's having a pretty good look at your car. I hear Iowa state troopers are pretty tough.

Really?

Found it!

Wouldn't know, actually. Just making conversation.

(ELLEN returns.)

And he said, "Don't you see? You're not like the rats at all. Your cage is only in your head." So we eloped. Why we came to fucking Iowa and opened a gift shop I'll never know--

Is that the map?

Yes, but I don't know if you really want it.

Why not?

It's pretty old. It was in a box that's been here since we bought the place.

I don't care.

The roads have all probably changed.

Please. Just give me the map.

There's an Amoco just down the street. They'd have a new one.

Looks like that trooper's going round to the front.

Here.

Don't you want your change?

Coming in the front door.

(MICHAEL exits.)

Wait, that's the back room! Employees only! Use the front-- What's wrong with you?

[END OF EXCERPT]