ACT ONE, SCENE TWO
(PETER and JUDY in the front seat of the car.)
Suitcases?
Check.
Sunscreen?
Check.
Map?
I picked up this atlas. Did you know there's a town in Germany called Titz?
Great. We'll stop there on the way back.
This atlas has everything. All seven continents, every town with at least a population of 50...
As long as it has I-35, I'll be happy.
(Pause)
Does it have I-35?
Um... No.
Does it have any roads at all?
It shows the Trail of Tears.
Jesus! Why didn't you just get a road map?
This is so much more than a road map.
At least a road map shows you the roads. We'll get one at the Amoco before we get on the freeway. Sunglasses?
Check.
Drink boxes?
Check.
Sun Chips?
(Beat)
Check.
You got Sun Chips, right?
I got chips, yeah.
You didn't get Doritos.
They were out of Sun Chips.
I thought we agreed we were all going to eat healthy on this trip.
They're snacks. They're supposed to be bad for you.
Magazines?
Check.
Gas money?
Check.
Travel guides?
(holding up three different guides)
Check, check and check.
Look at the house. It looks sad. Sad that we're leaving.
It's a house. It doesn't have feelings.
Yes it does. The windows look darker. The drapes look heavier. See how the eaves are sagging? It doesn't know when we're coming back.
(calling jokingly to the house)
Ten days.
The kids are taking a long time.
I'll go in and--
Wait. Give them a couple minutes.
We should have told him last night.
He seemed so happy, packing and everything. Why spoil it?
Let's tell him now, before we go.
It might start the trip on the wrong foot.
Maybe we should get it out of the way before we--
Sh. Here they come.
Better sooner than later.
When the time is right, we'll know.
(GRAHAM and LISA enter.)
There they are. Have you got everything?
I can't find Casey.
Do you really need Casey?
We can't leave him behind. He'll be lonely.
We'll only be gone a week and a half.
You wouldn't leave me alone that long.
Did you look under your bed?
Yeah.
How about behind the couch?
I looked everywhere.
You know, I think he might be in the dryer.
What's he doing in the dryer?
He was all wet after I put him in the washing machine.
Dad! You don't put Casey in the washing machine.
He looked like he could use a bath.
Mom washes him in the sink.
Listen honey, I'm sorry. I'll go get him right now, okay?
(PETER exits. GRAHAM and LISA get into the back seat.)
Graham, Lisa?
Yeah?
Before we go...
What?
(Beat)
Do you have everything?
For like the hundredth time, yeah!
(PETER returns, carrying a stuffed animal--a monkey. He gets into the car.)
Here's Casey, still warm from the dryer. And now the moment we've all been waiting for. Drumroll, please.
(Beat)
Drumroll please!
(JUDY, GRAHAM and LISA drum their hands.)
Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Keep drumming. Six! Five! Four!
(PETER starts the car.)
We have ignition. Three! Two! One! Blastoff!
(EVERYONE in the car lurches backward as PETER accelerates down the street.)
YEE-HAW!
(ACTORS 5 and 6 appear. They take turns holding up various road signs--town names, speed limit signs, etc.--to indicate the FAMILY's progress. They join the FAMILY in song.)
(singing)
JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT
HIS NAME IS MY NAME TOO
WHENEVER WE GO OUT
THE PEOPLE ALWAYS SHOUT
THERE GOES JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT
DA DA-DA DA-DA DA DA...
(ACTOR 6 holds up a traffic signal: it is red.)
Dad...
(continuing over following lines)
JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT
Peter.
Daddy!
Look out!
What?
RED LIGHT!
(Everyone lurches forward as PETER brakes suddenly. Beat.)
CHINESE FIRE DRILL! Come on!
(PETER gets the rest of the FAMILY to climb out of the car and run around it.)
(singing)
NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL
NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEER
IF ONE OF THOSE BOTTLES SHOULD HAPPEN TO FALL...
(ACTOR 6 holds up a green traffic signal.)
GREEN LIGHT! Get in!
(The FAMILY gets back in the car.)
NINETY-EIGHT BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL
(ACTORS 5 and 6 continue to flip up road signs.)
I spy with my little eye... something beginning with the letter A.
Apple orchard?
No.
Automobile?
(meaning "no")
Unh-unh.
Ass?
Graham!
As in donkey.
Nope.
Um... Asphalt?
(LISA shakes her head.)
Automobile?
I already said that.
Time's up!
What was it?
I spy... air!
That was a good one!
It's dumb. You can't spy air.
I did.
It has to be something you can see.
One point for Lisa.
Dad, don't give her a point for that.
Lisa gets a point, and it's your turn. Okay?
Okay. I spy with my little eye something beginning with... the letter C.
(GRAHAM shakes his head through the following.)
Car.
Cantaloupe.
Cow.
Caterpillar.
Curve. In the road.
Cat.
Comb.
Cauliflower.
Cranberries.
Cloud.
Time's up. Silo.
Silo?
You know, like a grain silo?
Silo begins with "S," retard.
It's spelled C-Y-L-O.
One point for Graham.
Daddy!
Peter...
Graham's right.
It's spelled S-I-L-O.
The referee has spoken. I spy with my little eye something beginning with the letter H.
Horizon?
How did you know?
That faraway look in your eye. One point for Judy.
(in a round)
ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT
GENTLY DOWN THE STREAM
MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY
LIFE IS BUT A DREAM
(ACTOR 6 holds up a gas station sign. A bell chimes twice quickly: ding-ding! A GAS STATION ATTENDANT enters.)
Fill 'er up?
Sure.
(JUDY, GRAHAM and LISA go off.)
No soda! Just fruit juice! We're eating healthy on this trip.
(PETER remains. The ATTENDANT pumps gas.)
Where ya headed?
Florida.
Yeah?
(Beat)
You ever been?
Huh?
To Florida?
Yeah. I been to Florida.
Must have had a good time.
I don't like to talk about it much.
Oh. I'm sorry.
For what?
I... For--
Did I say it was your fault, what happened?
No.
All right, then.
(Pause)
Nice day we're having.
(Pause)
I said, nice day we're--
I heard what you said.
(Pause)
Was all Shamu's fault.
Pardon me?
The whale, at Sea World. His fault, what happened.
So, what did happen?
I told you, I prefer not to talk about it.
(Pause)
We're going to Dipsy-Doodle Land. I want my son to see it before... Well...
Before he's too old to appreciate it?
Yeah.
Know what you mean. They get older, they think they're too cool or something.
Exactly.
Too sophisticated.
Uh-huh.
Too worldly. Lord knows, I waited too long with my boys. I spent years scrimping and saving, planning everything down to the last detail, so I could give them the vacation I'd always wanted but never had. I broke the news the day the oldest one turned fourteen. Dipsy-Doodle Land, Busch Gardens, the Everglades, Sea World, the whole kit and caboodle. The younger two, their eyes just lit up when they heard this. But the oldest, he got this look like he'd just bitten into a lemon. I asked him, doesn't it sound like fun? He said, "Yeah, if you're like three years old and retarded." The younger two idolized him, so when they heard this they got that same sour look. I started listing the things they'd get to see--all the rides, the wildlife, the scenery. No reaction, until I got to Shamu. The killer whale. Just for a second, the slightest glimmer of interest crossed their faces. Probably thought they'd get to see him kill somebody. Well, I thought, that's something. If I can show them just one thing they want to see, maybe they'll finally learn to appreciate me.
So, did you get to see him?
You got some kind of memory disorder? I told you, I don't like to talk about it.
I'm sorry, I was just curious.
Curious?
But if you'd rather not--
You're a regular nosy parker, aren't you?
Forget I ever--
No. You've just gotta know, don't you? Well, you're gonna find out, if that's what it takes for you to leave an old man in peace.
Off to Florida we go. First stop, Dipsy-Doodle Land. The Kingdom Where Dreams Come True. What do the boys do? Spend all day dumping slushies off the roller coasters, completely blind to the magic around them. Next stop, Busch Gardens: zebras, antelopes, giraffes taller than a house, but do they care? No. Instead, they teach themselves to make farting noises with their armpits and scare the animals away. We go out on the Everglades. The sun is sinking into the ocean like a ball of fire. Where are the boys? In the back of the boat, singing songs. Fart songs. "You Fart Up My Life," "I Left My Fart in San Francisco." "I'd Like To Teach the World To Fart." Those were the three longest days of my life. But through it all there shone a single ray of hope, the one thing in all of Florida the boys hadn't outgrown. Shamu. Over and over I said his name, like a goddamn mantra. It was the only thing keeping me sane.
The big day finally arrives. Sea World. There we are, front row center. There's a fanfare, a drumroll, and out comes Shamu. The boys are cheering, jumping up and down, really fired up for the first time since we left home. I'm starting to think maybe this goddamn trip was worth it after all. Shamu swims around the tank once, twice, three times, so close we can almost touch him. He gathers speed, dives under, skims the bottom, and whoosh! He bursts out of the water and does a triple somersault straight at us. The boys are going wild. Time slows almost to a stop. Loop... de-loop... de-THUMP!
The place turns into a madhouse. People screaming, covering their eyes, running for the exits. What the hell's going on? Then it hits me: Shamu has topped off his triple somersault by cracking his skull open on the side of the tank.
Oh my God.
I realize something else. The trip is over. The trip I'd saved up for for years, that I'd waited for my whole life, what could be my last chance to connect with my boys. Gone. Somewhere inside me, some last fraying thread finally snaps. I get everybody back to the car and tear out of the parking lot.
You can imagine what it's like in there. Three kids yowling like a squad of police cars and my wife yelling "shut UP shut UP shut UP" and my mother-in-law just sitting there, going (huff) (huff) (huff). What can I do? I don't know. I just drive, as fast as I can. The roads twist and double back on themselves, like a nest of snakes. Still, I keep driving, driving, driving, until I notice the sound under the tires has changed. We're on a dirt road. I pull over. I get out of the car. Ahead of us the road dribbles off into the swamp. Behind us I can't see where the blacktop turned to dirt. Nothing but green, green, and green as far as the eye can see, and me, in the middle of it, with five screaming mouths and the car door open and the buzzer going eeeeeeeeee... eeeeeeeeee... eeeeeeeeee. I have a revelation. If I want this noise to stop, there's only one thing to do. I do it. When it's done, there is complete, utter silence. The most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
But as they say, every silver lining contains a dark cloud. A week later the cops dredged up the car, found the family inside, tracked me down in Santa Fe, and stuck me in the joint for twenty years.
(Beat)
Um, look. The tank's full.
So it is.
Judy? Time to go!
Hey, I haven't checked your oil yet.
That won't be necessary. Judy?
Why are you looking at me like that?
Like what?
Oh. I get it. Listen, mister, I've paid my debt to society.
(JUDY, GRAHAM and LISA enter.)
But Orange Crush has fruit juice in it. Look at the label.
Let's go. Get in the car. Now! How much is it for the gas, speaking of paying your debts?
Is that supposed to be some kind of joke?
It's, uh, sixty-four dollars?
I said, is that supposed--
Keep the change.
What was that all about?
Never mind. Lock your doors.
You are doomed! All your plans will come to nothing!
(overlapping)
JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT
HIS NAME IS MY NAME TOO
(The ATTENDANT is left behind as the car pulls away.)
Hear me! The BOG will SWALLOW YOU UP! YOU WILL NEVER RETURN!
THERE GOES JOHN JACOB JINGLEHEIMER SCHMIDT!
[END OF EXCERPT]
Copyright 2011 by Robert Kerr